you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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