i barfeds in our rink
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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