what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
