and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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