Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize