my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
