It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
