mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
