I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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