ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize