You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
