My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Operation Purity has been aborted
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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