My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
