when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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