Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
