My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
