I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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