Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
