I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
