I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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