there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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