I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
