My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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