I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You are a genius and a whore.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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