Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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