Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
