you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
