I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
