life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
