yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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