I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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