Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
