You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
50% drunk capacity currently
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
