"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
