I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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