If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize