i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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