I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize