Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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