i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
