You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize