i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
