On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
