you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
