He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize