Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
