She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
