i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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