Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
