it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Vodka?
Forever.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
