I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
