How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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