my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize